I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
