i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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