New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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