i permit you to call me
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
