I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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