Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
