I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
