i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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