apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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