Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
