Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
