Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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