She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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