I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
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I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
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Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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