fuck your aforementioned shoe
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
