She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
