Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
