Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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