The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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