i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
