I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
