I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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