Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
