she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
