too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
