Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
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You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
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How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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