Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
