I'm really into asian looking animals
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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