Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
