I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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