I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
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im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
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He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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