I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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