her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
