I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
