what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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