i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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