Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
