Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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