I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
