I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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