I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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