I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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