i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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