the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
