I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
then he tried to convert me to islam
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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