dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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