smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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