it hurts more in the daytime
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
