so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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