He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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