Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
