You smell like a Billy Joel song
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
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It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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