nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
