If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
