I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
