I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
