Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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