Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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